Hi Mommies! Thank you all for joining us for our discussion on emotional intelligence, presented by Sarah Erdős. She was kind enough to provide us with her notes below for our reference.
Messianic Mommies of Congregation Beth Messiah
Houston, TX September 18, 2022
Presented by Sarah Erdős (excelsior.g@gmail.com)
Emotional Intelligence: Cultivating Healthy Emotional Lives in our Children
• Achieving victory in emotions
o Thoughts drive emotions.
o Emotions drive life.
o Changing your thinking is a precursor to changing your emotions.
o The quality of your life is directly tied to how you manage your emotions.
o Paul –
■ The struggle – Romans 7:18-20 “For to will is present in me, but to do the good is not. 19 For the good that I want, I do not do; but the evil that I do not want, this I practice. 20 But if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I doing it, but sin that dwells in me.”
■ Mind of Spirit/Christ – Romans 8: 6-9 “For the mindset of the flesh is death, but the mindset of the Ruach is life and shalom. 7 For the mindset of the flesh is hostile toward God, for it does not submit itself to the law of God—for it cannot. 8 So those who are in the flesh cannot please God. 9 However, you are not in the flesh but in the Ruach—if indeed the Ruach Elohim dwells in you.”
o Cain –
■ Genesis 4:4-7 “Now ADONAI looked favorably upon Abel and his offering, 5 but upon Cain and his offering He did not look favorably. Cain became very angry, and his countenance fell. 6 Then ADONAI said to Cain, “Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? 7 If you do well, it will lift. But if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the doorway. Its desire is for you, but you must master it.”
• From the moment sin entered the world, there has been a battle for your emotions, your thoughts, your very soul. Emotions –
o Are the window to your soul
o are universal, but affect each of us uniquely
o flow through your face / literally shaping your physical appearance & countenance
o must be managed: can be hijacked
o your success in life depends on how you use them
• Emotions – a healthy & essential part of life
■ God created emotions: God has emotions (cursing, anger, compassion, love, grief, loneliness, humor…)
■ Emotion is not the problem. If we do not experience emotion in life, something is wrong!
■ Your emotions are unique to you (triggers/fears)
■ Most of us have difficulty discussing our emotional lives. It’s easy to say I’m tired. I’m busy. I’m ok. I’m fine. I’m great. I’m having a bad day. But beyond that? What’s on your heart? What’s grieving you? What’s inspiring you? What do you spend your internal emotional energy on? What is it that you think about all the time. Are there people in your life who know? Do you know? “Do I even know how I’m feeling? Have I given myself permission to ask?”(Permission to Feel, page 12)
• Cultivating healthy emotional lives in our children –
o We want our children to be intelligent, but – “Emotional intelligence is the primary predictor of a person’s success in life.” – Dr. Randy Carlson
o I want it to be well with my children’s souls
• 5 aspects of emotional intelligence (drawn from Hijacked Emotions: Managing the Heart of Who You Are by Dr. Randy Carlson of Intentional Living). Emotionally intelligent people –
■ 1) Are self-aware (aware of how they feel at any given time)
• giving our children a vocabulary for their feelings
• what we don’t have words for, we can’t share, and we largely can’t think either
• giving them an age-appropriate window into our own emotional journey
• the importance of silence and reflection vs burying myself in a screen or throwing myself into tasks
• We can be blind to so much, even in our own hearts. We need prayer/God to show us things we can’t see.
■ 2) Manage their moods – cultivate emotions appropriate to the situation
• Tell yourself the truth
• Helping your children create a mental soundtrack “I spilled that, but it’s ok. Things like that happen sometimes! We’ll clean it up together.” “…I feel afraid of the dark sometimes, but God loves me and He will protect me.”
• For children: managing schedule so as not to push hungry/tired limits. Not pushing their boundaries too much.
• Water play for relief and calm
■ 3) Can self-motivate
• Can delay gratification: have a bigger goal
• Modeling / Learning patience
■ 4) Are able to read people (empathy – get behind the eyes of another person)
• We can lead the way here
• “So often, children are punished for being human. They are not allowed to have grumpy moods, bad days, disrespectful tones, or bad attitudes. Yet, we adults have them all the time. None of us are perfect. We must stop holding our children to a higher standard of perfection than we can attain ourselves.” – Motherly
• Asking our children questions to inspire curiosity about others’ thoughts & feelings
■ 5) Manage relationships / strong social skills
• 3 ways to handle emotional tension –
o ignite (propel into something – healthy or unhealthy)
o smolder (a self-inflicted emotional wound)
■ passive aggressive – “a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, misplacing…”
o explode (into an unhealthy reaction)
• The back story –
o emotions are not created in a vacuum
■ emotions have a point of origin
■ emotions are reactive to life (vs. thinking – responsive to life)
■ emotions are triggered/preceded by –
• An event
• A thought
o When are your emotions a problem? When your emotional reactions to life create a problem in any key area of your life – spiritual, relationships, health, finances, & work.
• “Emotions are data telling us what is important in our lives, not directives telling us what to do. Just because you feel guilty, for example, doesn’t mean you are guilty. An emotion is a signpost to explore how you feel and why, not a stop sign to shut you down or keep you trapped.”
– Dr. Susan David
We don’t have to believe everything we think. Our children don’t either. We can lead the way in finding freedom in our homes.
Philippians 4:7 – “And the shalom of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Messiah Yeshua.”
An interesting side note – (from A Place to Belong, page 47) Intergenerational Knowledge –
2 researchers, Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush, tested a hypothesis that children who
know more about their families will do better when facing challenges.
“The more children knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem, and the more successfully they believed their families functioned.” Q’s included –
Do you know where your mother grew up?
Do you know where some of your grandparents met? Do you know the source of your name?
Do you know which person in the family you act most like?
Knowing the answers to those questions “turned out to be the best single predictor of children’s emotional health and happiness.”
Not just an ascending family narrative (“we were down and now we’re up”) Not just a descending family narrative (“we were up and now we’re down”) But an honest appraisal of struggles and triumphs
These children have an “intergenerational self,” a rootedness.
They realize they are part of something bigger than they are. That’s comforting.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him.”
– Booker T. Washington
Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength. “Whenever we cannot love in the old, human way . . . God can give us the perfect way.”
“Love is larger than the walls which shut it in.”
– Corrie Ten Boom
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis
“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” Philippians 4:8